Ye Olde Blah

Take a joke, and change it to end in a way that it might turn out in real life.
For example:
A duck walks into a store, gets some chapstick, and asks the clerk to put it on his bill.
The clerk is an Indian immigrant who does not speak English, but he knows ducks do not speak.  He gets to his knees and begins rocking back and forth in fright, wondering why God is punishing him.
The duck gets annoyed, puts down the chapstick and walks out, wondering why he'd need it anyway, since he doesn't have lips.

Man walks into a bar. He drinks a pint and goes home.

A man walks into a bar, he rubs his nose and continues walking down the street

A man walks into a bar.  He sees a sign that says "Fulfill three tasks, when a million dollars."  He asks the bartender what the tasks are.  He replies "First, you must drink this gallon of teqiula in one gulp, then you must go outside and pull an alligator's tooth, and then you must go upstairs and have sex with a 50-year-old virgin."
The man thinks it over, and decides it's beyond him, so he just orders a drink.  A few hours later, he's good and drunk, and he decides to give it a shot.  He slams down the tequila and heads outside.
They hear a lot of screaming and roaring, which they assume is normal for a tooth-pulling.  They wait an hour, but the man doesn't come back in.  The bartender sends his waitress out to see what's going on.  She comes bak in with the man's severed arm:"I...I think he t-tried to, uh, fuck the alligator!"
The bartender buries the remains and orders her never to speak of it again.

I man walks into a bar. He breaks his nose when he hits it.

A man walks into a bank, pulls down his pants, and says "This is a stick up"


Before he got clubbed like a baby seal by the security, men, women, children, and a stray dog outside the bank all laugh at him.

A man doesn't walk into a bar.

2 guys walked into a bar, the 3rd guy ducked.

A bar walks into a man, it says "get the hell outta my way" and continues on

Man walks into a bar, and sees a woman sitting on her own. He walks up to her and says "hey honey, can I buy you drink?". She screams "RAPE" at the top of her lungs, and runs away.

The same guy comes in again the next day, sees a different woman and tries again. This time he tries a different line "Do you come here often?". Same response - "RAPE!".

By now the man is confused, but determined to pick up a nice woman. He tries again the next week, being as polite and possible - "Hi, I just wondered if I could buy you a drink". Same response again - "RAPE!!"

He goes to the bartender "Hey barkeep, why do I keep scaring off these women?"

"Might have something to do with that five year old girl attached to your cock"

One day, a guy decides to call his friends. However, he doesn't have any because he's a repulsive twat with all the social skills of a bare-arsed child-slapper. He consoles himself by jamming his cock into an XBox and jizzing all over its "hard drive".

A guy was in a plane, and wanted to use the men's room


But the men's room was In Use.

So, he asked the flight attendent if he can use the women's room.

"Sure" she said....."but don't push that pink button."

So he goes inside, and use the toilet.

After that, he decided to push the pink button.


*4hrs later.....after the plane has landed*

The guy wakes up on the women's restroom floor.

*Flight attendent......we'll name her Betty for this story"

Betty: You pushed the pink button....didn't you.

Guy: ah.....yeah I did......what was that pink button for?

Betty: That pink button was the Automatic Tampon Remover.

Here's a joke.

There was a group of people sat around a dinner table one night, and the life and soul of the party - let's call him Simon - was recounting a story about a poor unfortunate man forced to use the women's lavatory on an aeroplane.

He had the audience on tenterhooks as he revealed each part of the story - the occupied men's room, the appearance of the flight attendant and the revelation of the pink button. All around him, a hushed silence fell upon the guests like grey mist upon a morning field.

As he was about to reveal the joke's denouement, and secure his place in his friends' memories and hearts forever, he was struck down by a massive clod of earth which fell through the ceiling and bashed him right on the back of the head. His head crashed into his soup bowl and lacerated his face in sixteen places.

Porcelain shrapnel scattered around the dinner table, implanting itself on any presented flesh - a man's nose, a woman's eye, the parrot-I-mentioned-before's beak. It was carnage.

There was one survivor - Gerry. He knew he had to finish Simon's legacy - that dream was his life, and it was to be his death. Only Gerry could secure Simon's immortality through humour.

Unfortunately, Gerry was dumb as a post and just as funny, so he invented something called an "automatic tampon remover" and stuck it on the end of the story.

Simon span round and round in his grave, like a chicken at the delicatessen counter - browned, crispy-skinned, succulently-thighed.

*appuause* :lol:

Does that mean I'm allowed to go back to my cynical and mean ways now? It clearly gets laughs, and is much more fun to write than nice stuff.

Fine fine, just don't make me punch you in the face

A chicken crossed a road, unknowingly.

3 people of various nationalities walk into a bar.  The first two say something witty, and the third mocks them by doing something stupid.

A hiker was passing a farm when a horse spoke to him.
"Hey buddy," it said, "I'm a Kentucky Derby winner and this hick farmer has me pulling a plough every day. Get me to a stud farm and I'll make you rich."
The astonished hiker ran to the house and roused the farmer. "I want to buy that tired old plough horse of yours," he said. "I'll give you $10000 for him."
"He ain't worth it."
"But I'll buy him just the same."
"I can't take your money, son," the farmer said. "I don't care what he said, that horse ain't never even seen a Kentucky Derby."